Friday, 27 November 2009

  • Thankful?

    Why do I feel even more isolated and ostracized when it comes to Thanksgiving?  Why do I miss what I lack more than I normally do? 

    I am not discontent... but this self-reflection thing is a double-edged sword. I am thankful for the people in ,my life.  There is no denying that. However when I choose to remember them, I also come to terms that they are no longer in my life as they once were.  And I regret, I mull over, I am no longer lackadaisically happy. (I am still thankful though!)

    Being my usual, clingy , not-being-able-to-let-go self, I can't leave it at that, can I?  Sigh. I'm such a masochist.  I dig things only to hurt myself more. I keep hoping though I know it won't amount to anything. And I only make it worse because I choose to NOT be blissfully ignorant. 

    Fix meee.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Thursday, 19 November 2009

  • Nauseated

    Is it bad that I'm disgusted with myself.  Is it worrisome that whenever it comes to mind, I feel incredibly nauseous?  The urge to binge and barf is almost overwhelming.  I see myself somewhat falling, but I'm fighting it. This sinking feeling pulls me down at a rate I'm not used to.  That thought only makes me only more nauseous.. that's a whole world I don't ever want to see.

    But I remember
    I'm not going to lose.
    I'm not going to regret.

    I'm going to smile because I deserve to. And it'll get better in time.
    I want everyone to understand that and not pity me.

    For now, this bile stays contained.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

  • Happy


    http://www.youtube.com/user/leonalewis?blend=1&ob=4

    I think this song is lovely. It comes out tomorrow I think. Not too sure, but I somehow came across it.
    I really liked the song. I thought it was uplifting. And then I watched the video.. and then I realized it isn't really "happy." It's really bittersweet. And then I listened to the lyrics some more, and then I realized you can be sad for sadness's sake... you can be happy for happiness's sake too.

    dolorum ipsum quia... what is it for happiness? o_O


    This song is happy and motivational (it encourages you to be resilient, I suppose) , but at the same time, I also think it's selfish. Especially that one line that tells you to ignore the pain in front of you. It can be interpreted as taking a risk at the moment and just being happy.. which I have nothing against. Life is worthwhile when you take risks, when you put yourself out there and trust others. The other interpretation, however, pulls at my conscience. It almost seems as though it promotes being selfish.. that you can ignore the pain that your actions can put them through just because you are happy.

    I know this applies a lot of my decisions.. unfortunately.

    I'm always one about resilience. That's my version of being "strong;" I keep up a facade of everything being okay because I don't think it's a big deal. I'm good at lying even to myself it seems.
    Even so, disillusionment sucks despite my knowing it is inevitable.

    Oh well. It's time to suck it up and carry on with life. Resilience is key! Haha it's a vicious cycle. But I think I'm glad to say I don't mind living in it. It my life, and I like it that way... with the good and the bad.

    I have people to be happy for. I don't worry about me. But at the same time, I realize that some of my loved ones resent me for being so "happy." I'm happy to the point that it seems almost effortless. I'm "happy" even though they are suffering. While it isn't true, they need to understand that I'm doing it for them.. not because I'm lackadaisical, not because I'm selfish.. but because I need to. I act like nothing affects me.. but that's me living for you, and not myself. But living for you is what makes living for myself possible.

    Hahah, I love life and its idiosyncrasies. Don't you?


    Lyrics


    Someone once told me that you have to choose
    What you win or lose
    You can’t have everything

    Don’t you take chances
    You might feel the pain
    Don’t you love in vain
    ’cause love won’t set you free

    I can’t stand by the side
    And watch this life pass me by
    So unhappy
    But safe as could be

    So what if it hurts me?
    So what it I break down?
    So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
    My feet run out of ground
    I gotta find my place
    I wanna hear my sound
    Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
    I just trying to be happy
    I just wanna be happy, yeah

    Holding on tightly
    Just can’t let go
    Just trying to play my role
    Slowly disappear

    But all these days
    They feel like they’re they’re same
    Just different faces
    Different place
    Get me out of here

    I can’t stand by the side
    Ooh, no
    And watch this life pass me by
    Pass me by

    So what if it hurts me?
    So what if I break down?
    So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
    My feet run out of ground
    I gotta find my place
    I wanna hear my sound
    Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
    I’m just trying to be happy

    Oh, happy
    Oh

    So when it turns that I can see???
    This rope??
    Victim??
    Don’t say anything

    So what if it hurts me?
    So what if I break down?
    So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
    My feet run out of ground
    I gotta find my place
    I wanna hear my sound
    Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
    I just wanna be happy
    Happy
    I just wanna be
    Oh
    I just wanna be
    Happy.

  • Secrets

    I realized how I don't really have secrets. While I am not an open person, and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I don't have something I call a secret. There is always 1 other person who knows what is going on. It may be something I keep to myself, but that's only because I feel like you don't need to know. I don't have anything where I would freak out if people found out. (My dad is excluded, of course) Haha, my life is boring, so I don't have anything secret-worthy.

    On the flip side, I take others people's secrets very seriously. That trust is something I would not betray. At least not intentionally. So thank you, for trusting in me. It means a lot to me that you entrust it to me. If I find something momentous enough, I'd share it with you too

    And here is a beautiful music video by the lovely Lee Soo Young. It has nothing to do with this post other than the title. :) And I love this song and Lee Soo Young's voice. I also used to be a fan of the pretty Lee Jun Ki. Oh and kendo reminded me of Aikido too. :( What a good music video. ^__^

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0AgHLMHw0A

    It also made me realize that keeping a "good" secret to only yourself is more detrimental than advantageous. It only helps if you want to forget it. Nothing ensures that the memory lives on. And once you have a secret of your own, it only gives you an opportunity to act independent of it And because it's a secret, no one knows the repercussions of that action except for maybe you. It's basically an excuse for you to not own up to your mistakes. How lucky. But not really.. it's more like cowardly.

    That is not to say, I think you're a coward for having a secret. I just think secrets be memorable and not forgotten. Otherwise, why bother, right?

homicidal_death_glare

  • Visit homicidal_death_glare's Xanga Site
    • Name: Tammy
    • Country: United States
    • State: California
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/29/2005

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